Vacation
Around six-thirty, maybe quarter to seven in the morning, I awoke and began to gather all the supplies I would need for the day ahead of me. I filled up my lime green thermos, grabbed my lavender raincoat, a flashlight, an extra set of clothes, and stuffed them into my backpack. I had just purchased these new licorice black hiking boots that made me sound like a giant when I walked in them. I took the elevator down to the lobby, where I bought some fruit and granola. By half past seven, I was walking along the trail that the resort’s tours commonly followed.
The total hike’s distance was calculated to be approximately nineteen miles. The trail led into a forest, densely packed with diverse vegetation. Crimson red flowers, their species unknown to me, were scattered amongst the forest floor for all I could see. Yellow daffodils sprouted from tree roots and cobalt blue butterfly wings fluttered in circles around me. I’d never seen anything like it before. As I followed the path, I came across a huge lake. The shoreline was not sandy; it was made up of large rocks, all balancing on and leaning against each other. Looking up, it appeared like the uprising sun was melting onto the lake. Like paint, hues of pinks and oranges leaked from the horizon to where the water met my feet.
Heading north, there was a small, pebbly river. I made my way over and hiked alongside it. The water was the clearest I’d ever seen and gently babbled down towards the lake below. The river began to thin out the further up I went. Suddenly, salmon lurched out of the water, fighting the current, heading upstream. I continued climbing amongst the rocks until I came across a lush cave to the left of me.
Curiously, I tiptoed in. I turned on my flashlight and moved it around. Emerald green vines strung from cracks within the cave’s ceiling. Tiny rodents, probably mice, rushed into some bushes for protection. I continued walking deeper into the cave. The further I crept in, the louder a murmur noise became. I was spooked, but persevered. My flashlight flickered then shut off. I pressed the button several times but heard only a few clicks. I knew I forgot spare batteries. I felt sticks crack beneath my boots and a moldy smell permeated the air. Dark and alone, there were multiple signs telling me to leave so I figured it would be better to be safe rather than sorry. On my way out, I noticed poisonous snakes that I must have missed upon my entry. They hissed at me and as one began to slither toward me, I sprinted out of the cave.
Exiting the cave, I pursued my original path towards the peak of the mountain. Each step up these rocks felt more difficult as I was growing tired. By noon, I reached the peak. A waterfall, in fact the world’s largest, spurted out over the edge. The water fell just over three thousand feet before converting into mist. The thick mist clouds looked like snow on the canopies of the trees. I grew hungry so I set up a spot to eat next to the crystal blue reservoir and listened to the gushing noise of the flowing water. I unpacked my medley of fruits: pineapple, apples, strawberries and green grapes. After an hour of rest, I remembered I was only halfway complete with my hike. I decided to return to the resort following the way I came so I would not risk getting lost.
I arrived back at the resort and headed up to my room. I dropped all my supplies off and went down to the beach for sunset. I laid in a hammock and closed my eyes. The rustling of the palm fronds and the waves crashing against the shoreline were so soothing that it sent me right to sleep.
Hi Sommar!
ReplyDelete-You used a “wide range of language” when describing her environment. For example, when you illustrated the sun “melting onto the lake,” it described in depth thought and creativity. Additionally, you had varied sentence structure that positively impacted the pace of your text. (5)
-You demonstrated a “high level of accuracy.” I could not find any grammatical errors within your piece and you consistently stayed in the past tense. (5)
-The text followed a “logical” progression and our ideas were “developed in an effective manner.” This is because you clearly wrote about a trek up a mountain with vivid descriptions. The only idea that confused me was the “salmon lurching out of the water” in the river. I traditionally think of salmon living in cooler climates and not in tropical climates. (I could be mixing this up though, since I am not a salmon expert.) (4)
-You achieved the task at hand. This is because in question they asked for the writer to consistently discuss color and sounds. You did a great job at referencing these. For example, this can be seen when you identified the colors of the items that you brought on the hike: “lime green,” “lavender,” and “licorice black.” You also used sounds to your advantage when you described the serenity of the forest through the sound words “fluttered,” “babbled,” and “gushing.” (4)
-The “audience is engaged” because you take the reader on a hike through the forest with you while providing explicit detail like the rocks along the lake “balancing and leaning against one another.” I also used past tense, but to engage the reader more, it might be beneficial in some cases to use present tense to bring the reader directly into the story with the action. (4)
Score: 22
Hey Sommar, your vacation piece was very original and was descriptive from the beginning to the end of the entire day of hiking and everything you saw. I like how in the beginning you give necessary information about the path and how it was often used on the “resort’s tour.” Then, at the end mention making your way back to the resort so you “would not risk getting lost.” You used descriptive language throughout your walk in the forest like “diverse vegetation, Crimson red flowers” and “Emerald green vines.” Everything was organized and structured very well to keep on track. While reading I was fully engaged and felt I was experiencing the path firsthand. I would then give you a 23 since the only thing I would add is where exactly was the resort located? Other than that the blog was very interesting and I loved reading it.
ReplyDeleteHi Sommar! I remember reading your blog and it was very good! It had story elements which are always really great! Here’s my review:
ReplyDeleteEffective expression, with a range of language, including some complex structures and less common lexis.
High level of accuracy.
The descriptive piece was written in chronological order so there was a coherent (logical) structure. The ideas were developed effectively although I am not too sure what sophisticated means so I will refrain from calling this a 5 due to my lack of knowledge at the time.
Task is achieved well; content is relevant. Never strays from what a vacation is or describing it. Although I would have enjoyed seeing more descriptions of sound and atmosphere which I think could be achieved through taking full advantage of the word count. And I also suggest trying to avoid focusing too much on the narrative aspect like the journey itself and more on the description of the journey since it is meant to be a descriptive text but I think you did a good job at this. Although It could use more descriptions.
In order to engage the audience, there is a use of a simile in order to get the reader to imagine the sound that the boots made specifically the black hiking boots were described to make you “sound like a giant” when you walked in them.
The constant flow of the text also helped keep me fully engaged.
(4)
(5)
(4)
(4)
(5)
Total of 22 Marks so you are on a good path to victory!